haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
