Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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