Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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