and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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