U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
