Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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