you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Still dying that you shit outside
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
