He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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