Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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