You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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