Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
