My friends, they love my intelligence
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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