your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sobbing to NWA
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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