Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
