Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
