where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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