So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
