I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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