First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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