I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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