I wish I could teleport
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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