somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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