My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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