I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
