I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize