drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
