I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
