my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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