A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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