I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
