Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
