Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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