I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
soo... how was my night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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