So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
