So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
