Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
