i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
