so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
