when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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