I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
