I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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