Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Green mimosas i think yes
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
