I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
