im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
