Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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