no, he came in my armpit
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
