eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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