its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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