Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
