Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize