yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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