He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
they're like a gay fantastic four
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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