I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
