i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
