What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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