I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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