Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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