I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
